A new beginning.

If I counted how many of these I had to have.. regardless, here I am again, slowly beginning. For those that know me, you know I recently went from being an active part of a community to dropping off the face of the Earth.

My family has a history of depression and I've been no exception. For awhile though I was actually OFF of depression meds and couldn't have been happier. I made it for over 8 years without them however a year.. two? I've lost count now.. I dropped hard and tried several times to end my life. I was too scared to get back on depression meds cause the ones I had been on made me a zombie and I didn't want to go back to that, just lose the ridiculous thoughts and motions.

I was virtually trapped in my own body, a slave to my hormones. I have had an amazing 14 years with hardly any negatives (not saying there haven't been any at all, but certainly nothing to truly provoke my break down.) and when I was in a good place and could see the light I couldn't fathom what in the world was causing this and why I could be having these thoughts!

Several times after they convinced me back on meds I thought I had gotten my foot holds and would try and step back into my world that I missed so much only to find that I'd stumble and fall back in my hole. Missed meds, the meds became too little for my body and I had to adjust. So much adjusting, so much working, so much panic, but! Here I am again.. thus far so good. I've been (clean? haha) stable-ish for near a year now and finally feel that maybe I'm good to step out again.

Of course, idiotically, I've gotten off the meds again. I've been off almost two months now.. hopefully I won't relapse but this time I'm ready. So I'm going to go forward with stepping out as I feel this is the best for me. My digital scrapbooking world really helped me and I miss my friends terribly.

So here's to hoping. Here's to clear sailing and tons of rain. (I'm wired backwards, sunny days are oppresing and dreary to me where as the rain is my love and makes me hyper and happy. hee!!)

I'm backing to writing on my story that I started for my Father one Christmas. He never got to read it but I fully believe that when I'm done that I can ask him to and he will. :) Spirits have tons of time to read! lol! No excuses Dad!!!

My muse Gabi has gotten me pushing myself for project 365 (a picture a day) and I'm pleased to say I've only missed one day in the last three months! I'm hopefully also going to be scrapping again soon! :D I can't wait!!

I'm back to playing piano and singing again.. it's been so long so I'm weak at both at the moment but I'll get stronger.

I'm going to kick boxing cardio classes on Monday and Wednesdays which has been helping a lot.

I'll also be going back to school soon which will be good for me and I'll be getting my mandarin back out and practicing.

Everything one step forward, one foot forward. Hopefully this time I won't fall again.